>two bad crooks and one dead bolt


My cell phone rang at 1:38 A. M. A roommate (aka: offspring) was unable to gain entry to my house. The dead bolt would not budge. Knowing I could not get out of my house through the front door caused a tiny bit of a minute panic. I’ve never panicked when unable to gain entry (i. e. when forgetting your house key), but not being able to exit was a new experience.
Once I knew I could not use my front door, I didn’t care about my back door. I only wanted what I couldn’t have.
My household slept on it. A touch after dawn (two nightmares later of being locked inside a burning house) I woke to the sound of   my houseguest (aka: Womanwhoswingsahammer) making departure noises at the front door. If only The.  Front. Door. Would Open. I got out my toolbox (two hammers, three screwdrivers and a wrench). The deadbolt would not budge. She and I could slide screwdrivers back and forth to each other through the lockhole. We could crouch down and laugh at each other through the slot, but we could not get the deadbolt to budge. We’d make bad crooks, huh.
And so some time passed. And some language, mostly laughing language, passed. Eventually we figured out we had tried to move the door in every direction but one.  With two flat screwdrivers acting as wedges and a pipe wrench acting as pliers, the deadbolt was extracted. Surgeons we are not. House robbers we are not. But happy campers we became.
We were so busy congratulating ourselves on being able to fix the deadbolt that only after Shewhoswingsahammer left for the rest of her road trip did I take this last photo, realizing we had almost done a good job.

About redmitten

author of Cracking Geodes Open, Making Good Use of August, and The Peppermint Bottle. poetry editor for IthacaLit. website: https://toomuchaugust.wordpress.com

10 responses to “>two bad crooks and one dead bolt

  1. >You can schlager yourself any which way you want. That's just too funny. How many times have I done that? I hope you can leave it just as it is and not be OCD like me. I always have to fix it.

  2. penjandrum

    >Freakin' hilarious! No, you'll have to find a different occupation for sure.Doesn't bear thinking about though what would happen in a fire, in thick smoke.Penny

  3. >Do you look for metaphor, for deeper meaning, in such events? That would be my response, once the laughing stopped, and I would leave the lock just as it is, as long as it continued to work. Around here I always need to know where the WD40 can is resting.

  4. >LOL, Sherry! You posted the picture upside down.

  5. >This is great Sherry! Fortune-Cookie say: Upside down lock useful for those who use upside down keys.

  6. >Yes, I have to agree, being locked in is far worse than being locked out.

  7. >kass,what a great ..uh..verb : schlager! the story of this lock expands with each retelling, so it's good i have the documented Facts herein.i want to make the lock right, but then again, it makes me laugh everytime i come home and see it.rox-my attention to detail is evident to all my neighbors now, huh.penny-my friend and i almost broke into a I Am Woman Hear Me Break In dance on my front door step once we got the door to open. marylinn-yes i do that also (look for metaphors, or should i say "recognize the metaphor"). the wd40 was in the garage, which has a garage door that coincidentally would not open that same morning. almost sprayed it with PAM, though. i did have my duct tape nearby, but couldn't think of a good reason to use it.mike,ha! you know i worried someone might think i did that being as i've been known to alter some of the photos in here. mel,oh – upside down keys! that is great. reminds me of the carpenter who would reach into his nail pouch for nails and end up discarding every other one. why? because the head was on the wrong end. (groannn) yours is way better.alan,hey there! welcome! yes, being locked in is worse- having experienced both. i was mildly surprised at how much the notion bothered me, even though i could walk out my back door at any time.

  8. >"Pink door, upside down lock…that's where that crazy woman lives…isn't it?"

  9. >mike,perhaps i am "Shewholivesupsidedown".

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